I can be very brave when other people are dying. I give them sound advice on how to keep fighting and feel like such a fraud. Yes, be strong. You can do it. Yes, you can. Of course you can. No, not like the government haha. They're always full of shit. I'm not.
So a couple of days ago I decided to buy Angie Dear some ice-cream. That's code for 'I want some ice cream, care to join me, honey? Where's your money?' A fraud, that's right. Hey, you're very perceptive today. Now, stop interrupting my flow. Did you know Elvis sang a song about money in the mid-fifties I think it was? Money honey! Ooh Ooh Ooh Money honey! If you want to get along with me! Great song. So I opened our front door, stepped outside and bumped into our non-humping neighbor. He lives next door to our hump-happy neighbor, that idiot who keeps humping and pumping for hours on a daily basis like each push brings him closer to shove, and then what? So basically our local humpster is sandwiched by the two of us. Not something you should remind me of, baby. So I said, "Howdy, neighbor… how's life?" And he said, "Not so good. I'm dying."
That stopped me right in my tracks and I knew instantly there would be no ice cream for me that day. No Beaver Vanilla, no Stracciatella… which is pretty much like American chocolate chip ice cream or Beaver Vanilla plus fake chocolate. No, Sir. No beaver glands for me. Not when someone is dying. Good thing you're not afraid of dying, dear reader of mine (or so I am told), but my 68-year-old neighbor sure is terrified and, to add insult to injury, so is his severely disabled wife. She can't walk and she can't talk. He looks after her 24/7 and now he is dying. "I've got lung cancer." Just like that. When his wife saw me and Angie, she couldn't stop crying. I can't even imagine what those folks must be going through. I really can't.
My neighbor told me he had no choice but to put his wife in a nursing home. As in "today, right now". He'd just packed some of her stuff, and as tears were rolling down his cheeks he told me he didn't know how to get her heavy bags and suitcases to the nursing home. He isn't a strong man, you see. Plus he is poor as a result of all the medical bills so he can't afford a car or even a cab ride for that matter. Yes, I helped him out. I've got a car and tons of advice. I put my hand on his shoulder like all of a sudden he had miraculously turned into my new best friend and I told him not to give up. Be strong. Life is a bitch but death is twice the bitch life is so hang in there buddy and listen to the docs except when they tell you there's no hope left there's always hope left have faith fight damn it you fight you hear me my cousin survived cancer why shouldn't you? "Well, because that's what the doctor told me." Ah.
So, tell me… How often are you full of shit?
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